Things I must remember as a dog:

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, sofa or under the bed.

4. I will not eat the cats' food before they can eat it or after they throw it up.

5. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

7. I will not throw up in the car.

8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish crabs, etc., just because I like the way it smells.

9. I will not eat "kitty box crunches" although they are tasty.

10. I will not eat any more Kleenex/napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

12. I will not chew my humans' toothbrush and not tell them.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

16. I will not steal my moms' underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.

20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage to avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.

22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath.

23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.

25. I will not pass gas in my owner's face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.

26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my rear-end across the carpet.

27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.

28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my private areas when company is over.

29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my rear-end can quickly clear a room.

30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

Didn't know there was so much to remember as a dog, did ya?